Divorces and breakups are never easy. Unfortunately, they are quite common to experience. Maybe less common than you’d originally guess, though. In 2016, divorces dropped to a 40-year low, with only 16.7 divorces per 1000 marriages. However, despite the low ratio, that is still a vast amount of break-ups to go around, and it is quite sad to think about.
There’s nothing as difficult as breaking up, and going through a divorce is even worse, because not only do you have to withdraw your emotional capacity, but often your children, finances and home is embedded in a whirlwind of chaos – in that order of priority.
This guide will not help you overcome difficult relationship tensions that you might be feeling, or even recommend that you file for a divorce if you are at the end of your civil ability to fix what’s wrong. However, it will be concerned with how to emotionally overcome the vast tumultuous ocean of the divorce proceedings, and how to do so with decorum and grace, all the while minimizing the harmful effects.
A divorce, badly handled, can leave both sides of the affair significantly damaged, and the children even more so, to a degree that makes your dissatisfaction look petty. This is the moment in your life where it will take every inch of your rationale, self-temperance and understanding to make it through without too much pain.
Here are some handy tips.
Learn What Grief Is & How To Deal With It
The grieving process can emanate from many life events. The loss of a relative, something significant not meeting your expectations or in this case, a divorce all count. It’s important to understand exactly what can emanate from this, and that is, for the most part, the process known as grief.
Grief can change your behaviour in many ways, because when you’re going through it, you’re not thinking clearly. A cutting comment or action done in the grieving process can look simply horrible to someone after they have recuperated from their emotional chaos. Try and be as aware of this as you can once you realize the divorce is a distinct possibility.
Not only that, but understand the process. It goes like this:
Denial is never easy to contend with because when you’re going through it, you’re defined as being completely illogical. It’s likely to be tempted to ignore the situation, or outright refuse your partner’s request for divorce. It might show in your unwillingness to tell your children honestly about the situation even though they already know to a certain extent. Stay on top of your denial. Remember, this is the first part of a process, so don’t be too harsh on yourself if you find this life event difficult to process.
The second step in the grieving process is bargaining. This is usually a natural and the most emphasized part of any divorce. It’s likely that in order to prevent the chaos in your living situation and familial bonds, you’ll do anything you can to overcome the current issues and smooth things over.
While attempting to fix problems is always commendable, people often don’t work as simply as that, and if the root cause isn’t addressed, the problem will always remain. It’s up to your discretion as how you deal with this but remember, sometimes excessive bargaining due to grief can be damaging. Communicate, communicate, communicate with your close family and friends about the situation and they should be able to give you a level headed approach to the whole issue.
The most insidious form of the grieving process is anger, and unfortunately, those experiencing a heavy and difficult breakup sometimes never progress past this point. It’s important that you do, and absolutely imperative if you have children. Don’t let your anger at the difficulty of this situation overcome your rational judgment.
Don’t say or do anything you regret. Not only could this hamper what you leave the divorce with regarding your children or possessions, but it contributes to a horrific atmosphere that no one around you deserves to go through. Even if you are 100% right in all of your arguments objectively, getting angry about the whole affair achieves nothing, and sabotages your good points to be made.
Depression is the fourth step in the process, and is clearly defined by its title. Just be sure you don’t lock yourself away from the world. Some time alone to reflect and gather your thoughts can be immensely healthy, but make sure that you keep your social links alive and keep progressing towards your goals as much as you can.
The final goal of the grieving process is to lead you here. After you accept the whole ordeal, you will be much more likely to digest the process with dignity. This is the side of you that really wants to come out. Remember, your grieving process only lasts for as long as you allow it to. While there are no fixed timelines, you can certainly lengthen the time for you to complete this by acting immaturely or trying to ‘score points’ against the other person involved. Shifting your priorities back to your children, and yourself will allow you to achieve this state sooner rather than later.
Pay Attention To The Children, Always
Children are always the first, foremost and most significant victims in any divorce. As a parent, it’s your job to help them overcome these difficult times by being honest with them about the process, and doing everything in your power to secure yourself time bonding even after all of the litigation has been settled. They’ll need you now more than ever. It’s important to make sure that they understand exactly how much you love them, and that you will always be present.
This is the footing that many parents start on once they know that they are ending a marriage. It’s not as if parents are stupid, uncaring or obtuse about how their children feels during any divorce. However, when it comes to difficult topics like custody of the children, this is where parents lose their cool. Try to overcome your temptation to use dirty tactics like poisoning the mind of your children against the person you are not longer in a marriage with. This will never, never, never work and only serves to make you look weaker as a parent.
If you can, come to a common understanding with your ex-spouse that no matter how much you dislike one another, you can come together in a grounded and professional way to discuss and communicate with the children. You owe them that much.
Litigate Professionally & Separately
Unfortunately, many divorces do not adhere to a simply format of agreements that are dutifully carried out so everyone can live happily ever after. It’s likely you’ll need a long, drawn out legal process when it comes to separating your assets. Sometimes, this separation does not happen equally, or even fairly. It’s important to keep professional divorce lawyers on hand, such as Maley & Nicholas PLLC, found through this link www.maleynicholas.com/mississippi-divorce/, to help receive the guidance you truly need at this time.
No matter what litigation you have to progress towards, be sure that you keep these proceedings separate from the familial home. If you still live there or not, it’s important to keep it away from your changing family home, mostly so the children have zero idea you are battling in this way. Just like you shouldn’t eat where you sleep, do not bring lawsuits and the hostility they involve into the living space of your children.
Be The Professional Anchor
Most people, when they learn they are headed for divorce, will start arming themselves with arguments, topics of contention, demands, and lists of things to be achieved. It’s almost as if they prepare for a battle before the battle has even begun.
To counteract this, become the professional anchor. Yes, there are many, many emotions mixed up and chaotically intertwined with a divorce, to the point where sometimes it can be hard to see straight. However, put on your professional face. Try and keep emotions out of the necessary litigatory communications you will have from here on out. Insults, hurtful words or winning people over to your side from anywhere you can grasp them will only serve to devalue what you have to say or how you hope your life will turn out after the divorce. If you have to pretend to have this professional persona, you should do so.
You might be accused of seeming ‘false,’ but that is of no consequence to your ex-spouse. What matters is that you move through the process effectively, rationally and fairly. It will also help you overcome the most insidious form of a divorce proceeding, which is bitterness.
These tips can help you stay on top of the divorce proceedings emotionally. Your emotions are usually the weakest part of this event, so be sure to stay on top of them as best you can, look after your children’s wellbeing and your own, and do everything you can to come through this process as a better person. Good luck.